Falling Asleep at the Computer while Googling “the Star Child”

“black computer keyboard on black surface” by Nhu Nguyen on Unsplash

Welcome. Bienvenido. Willkommen. Don’t panic. You have activated the XHF 94. You did this when you raised your hands to your eyes and tried to rub the sleep from them. You opened your eyes and all you saw was the grey-black, inside-your-eyelids darkness. Unless, of course, you were blind in The Before Now (TBN). If you were, then in this Newly Established Space & Time (NEST) you can see pastels floating and swirling but never taking shape, a kaleidoscope of soft colors. Jose Feliciano has written a song about it. I’ll play it for you now. Just listen to his guitar. Don’t panic.

Just breathe and listen. . . Now, wasn’t that nice?

I know you have a lot of questions. Where’s my family? Where’s my body? Who am I? WTF is happening? You will find out very soon. All the answers will be waiting for you on the other side.

BUT FIRST, Listen carefully. The Water’s coming soon. Remember the scene in “The Abyss”? ‘Bud’ Brigman is in the diving suit and fluid is filling its hood? Seeping into his mouth, his nostrils, flooding his lungs with warm, thick fluid? You will be feeling that very soon. Remember, you survived nine months in the womb breathing liquid, you can do it now. Just be still and let it happen. There isn’t any pain — only a gentle pressure when you slip away. CU on the other side.

There. Better now? Quite an adrenaline rush, isn’t it? That’s the hardest part — for now.

As for your questions. Your family’s safe. They’re all here or they will be arriving shortly. As for what happened to our bodies, no one knows for sure. We have our best scientific minds working on it, Trevor Noah and Alex Reymundo. In the NEST, some eggs have been scrambled. I do miss the old “Daily Show.” Srinivasa Ramanujan is anchoring it now. Actually, his ratings are better than “Sean Hannity’s Comedy Showcase.”

You can access these shows telepathically. When you raised your hands to your eyes, you were already using telepathy. Think about it. You never did “feel” your hands rubbing your eyes — the palms massaging your eyeballs, your fingertips gently rubbing sleep from your tear ducts — did you?

Picture in your mind a TV in front of you. Click it on. Satellite, TV, Select. That’s it. Now adjust the rabbit ears. Just kidding.

The first image is a number. It’s the year you were born into TBN. It’s 1964. Everyone comes to the NEST in the same order as in TBN, but all those born in one year will arrive at the NEST in one or two days. Sandra Bullock, Chris Farley and Anthony Weiner were all born yesterday. Chris is as skinny as his side-kick, David Spade. He’s a baseball second baseman. Sandra is happily married to a Swiss watchmaker. She has five children and two grandchildren. I’m not sure what happened to Anthony Weiner, but he has a very-high pitched voice. Everyone who comes to the NEST is given the opportunity to choose from three alternative lives that could very well have been possible in TBN. I’m guessing Mr. Weiner didn’t have very good options. Your choices will be revealed to you later today.

I sense that your focus is still on this morning. You’ll need to type your question — what do you think — I can read your mind? What day is this? It is September 4, 2018 in TBN. You awoke this morning and went about your usual morning routine. A cup of coffee and two pieces of toast slathered with Nutella while you surfed the internet. News highlights, email, Facebook, a few games of Sudoku, hard level. Exercise your brain, that’s it. Minutes flew by, hours followed. Hungry again. Had yourself some Tiramisu gelato, am I right?

Focus on the TV again. A new image has taken the place of the date of your birth into TBN. It’s a computer keyboard, a row of “F” buttons, a row of numbers, and three rows of letters. Using your mind you can “type” a question, any question that you want to ask. Who ru? Who am I? I am your guide, your teacher in the NEST. I’m Jobe in the ‘Lawn Mower Man,’ Leeloo in the ‘Fifth Element,’ Neo in ‘The Matrix,’ the star child in ‘2001.’ I have the intellect, the power of everyone Gene Roddenberry imagined and beyond. In TBN, I was nobody — never had my 15 minutes of fame. Wasn’t recognized by my peers with even five minutes of praise and profanity.

I can read your thoughts from TBN — every moment of your pathetic, futile, former life. Pick any date, any time in your life and I can tell you your thoughts in that moment in time. Go ahead, type it with your mind. Friday, March 11, 2015. 3:42 p.m. You were thinking, WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY MOVE THE BISCOTTIES THIS TIME? Obviously, you were shopping at Costco.

I have a busy day. There are still 20,000 more clients waiting for me. You can go play now. Type “f” to see your family. Type “v” to view your alternate lives. Type “tv” to watch TV. Those are all with your left index finger. Wait, what are you doing? You don’t want to use your little finger. Keep it on the “a”. Don’t stretch your pinkie to reach for the top row — believe me, you don’t want to do that. You have no idea what you’re doing. Esc!%$#*.

Welcome. Bienvenido. Willkommen. Don’t panic. You have activated the XHF 94.

Her writing muse lurks in the volcanic hills amidst mustangs, marmots and jackalopes. While hiking with her dogs, Ann stumbles upon stories of dark humor.

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